Saturday, March 24, 2007
[*eMbRa.ciNg tH.e $to.Rm*]...this week was one of the week's that had the day that really made me think again, and also cry. i never thought this would happen, never thought it could happen to me. but i guess like what cheryl said, there's a first for everything. for the first time in my life, i actually failed all my subjects. for the first time, i actually felt like a real loser/ failure. i just couldn't imagine me getting the results i got. paper after paper, i kept hoping that at least i would make the mark. but paper after paper, my hope kept getting dashed. and at the end of it all. i was broken. in all of it's meaning, literally.
i suddenly felt that i wasn't capable of anything, i felt so lousy and i was just too sad to do anything. it didn't help that we had choir that afternoon cos all i wanted to do was cry. go home and cry. not be in school where people surrounded me. cos i'd just put a false front. i'd just keep my tears inside and pretend that i'm alright. thinking of the Fs just made me felt that i was so lousy and maybe even a nobody. i just felt like retreating into my hermit shell and escape from everyone. cos i was not as good as i was anymore, or at least i thought at that point in time.
my mom messaged me that day after i called her to tell her my results. i tried not to cry when i told her but i couldn't. i still cried over the phone in the end. i was hoping she'd scold me but she didn't. instead, she said that it was only common test results and that i shouldn't let it affect me. the message she sent me really made me wanna cry. she told me she felt sad for me too and that i would not be defeated by my results. that she loves me and God loves me too. it was all too much for me to take in one day. the rest of the day was a facade. i just fet so down that they, i didn't want to cry in school or at least in front of everyone. but i didn't want to talk either. i just wanted the day to pass by as fast a possible.
well, what can i say now? after thinking, i realised that my self-worth should not and cannot be measured by academic results. i'm perfect the way God made me and my friends are my friends not because of my results. thanks to all who tried to cheer me up. i really appreciate it and i'll work harder for my mid-years. thank God this isn't the end, cos maybe i might have taken it harder. i guess He had His reasons for letting me get such results. so i shall not let it affect me anymore.
anyway, went to arab street today with monkey to get materials for the choir gown for the choir girls with mrs lok today. at least we're finally going to do it. so that's really very ultra good. cos we don't have that much time to waste anymore. i just feel so tired from all that's happen this week. and i just wanna thank God for my family and friends. i've learnt to love them more this week.
love,
cheryn ...
posted at 3/24/2007 05:42:00 pm
